Happy Friday, Everyone!!!
So... If you have been reading my blogs then you know I have been having a really hard time with body image, eating... Gaining weight, mindset, etc... I have not been in the best place mentally and emotionally.
I hired a coach for A YEAR, because I thought it would help me snap out of this weird phase I'm in... And I thought I would be able to diet back to loving myself and not feeling like a fat cow. (I don't mean to offend anyone with what I'm saying... This is just how I was feeling and thinking).
So I decided to pause my coaching for a while. And Tony recommended me to a therapist.
I honestly, have been thinking about trying therapy for the past 3-3.5 years. I have had a lot of (amazing) changes in my life... But I never actually went through with it. But I do think now is a good time to ACTUALLY do it! I feel like I need it.
I wrote a long email to the girl Tony recommended... I totally cried my eyes out while writing it too. The things I was feeling inside were so sad.
But... Oddly enough... After I wrote that email, after I paused my diet coaching, after I decided to STOP trying to force myself to diet... And just eat a little more intuitively... I started to feel a lot better.
Sure, I'm a lot heavier than I want to be. But I have grown! Which was the goal after my last two bodybuilding shows. I just didn't think I would get this big. But oh well!!!
I am also feeling really strong! & energetic! & healthy!
*WARNING, THIS MIGHT BE TMI*
I have a hormonal IUD... So I don't have a period. I can't remember the last time I have had a period. No spotting or anything. Even though it is common to spot during the period week with this form of birth control. Guess what... I had some spotting recently! Not that I want spotting. I hate having my period. But I did see the positive in this yucky moment... A young woman having a period means she is healthy! It means my hormones are in a good, happy place. So many I need to be at this weight. (I smile with a head tilt thinking about that)...
Anyways... I do feel like I'm heading in the right direction mentally & emotionally.
Plus... I am finally starting to have a better relationship with food. I'm not avoiding certain foods, like fruit, yogurt, granola. EVEN COOKIES! And when Tony and I go to coffee shops... If I want to eat a sandwich, I do! & I don't freak out about it. I don't feel guilty. And I don't think of it as a waste of a day and just binge on all the snacks. I just see it as another of my meals... I put it in my food tracker... & go on with my day.
*I do make sure I get at least my weight in grams of protein though!
**And I do still track my food... Just so I know I am within a good range :)
It is now Saturday, August 10, 2019. Dang! Time is just flying by! :)
So... Tony bought this book off of Amazon. It is titled If Not Dieting, Then What?
He bought it for himself... But, I needed a new book to read... So I stole it ;)
I was skeptical of it at first. I know that it sounded like a good idea to read something like this... But I wasn't sure if I would like it.
SURPRISINGLY, IT IS GREAT SO FAR!
It's not woo-woo like I thought it was going to be. I'm only a few chapters in so far... So I will keep you posted :)
There are a few sections in the book were you actually write things down. So.. You probably guessed it... I'm going to be writing them down here (some of them anyways).
"Choosing the right goals"
1. What are my reason for deciding to do something now?
I currently looking for different approaches to eating. And looking into therapy, and reading books like this to help me with my relationship with food. I don't want an all or nothing mentality with food anymore. At least when I'm not dieting for a show.
2. What goals do I want to achieve? Are these goals realistic?
My goals have changed recently. I originally wanted to lose weight. I wanted to lean out. But now just isn't the time for that. I'm not physically or mentally ready for that. So instead of stressing and forcing it... I decided to change my goal. My goal is to perform at my very best! My other goal is to have a better relationship with food. Yes, I still weigh myself to monitor everything... But I have focusing on how I feel. I am eating foods I enjoy. Sometimes food that I crave (cookies, ice cream, pizza). But I am working on NOT having an all-or-nothing mindset. If I eat a cookie... That doesn't mean that my day is ruined and I should just eat all of the cookies.
These goals are realistic. More realistic than my previous one :)
You do want to push/challenge yourself to accomplish your goals. But you also need to work with where you are currently at.
3. What areas do I need to be working on to achieve my goal?
To achieve my current goals.. I really need to work on my mindset. I need to step away from expecting myself to look a certain way. I need to stop viewing certain foods as "good" or "bad." I also need to enjoy the foods that I am eating. And not just at the moment... Afterwards too. NO MORE FEELING GUILTY ABOUT EATING! I will be starting therapy with someone who works with athletes with eating disorders and body-image "issues." (for lack of a better word)
4. What are the benefits I will get from achieving my goals?
The biggest benefit is that I will be able to live a more balanced life. I will still be more extreme than your average-Joe.. Simply because that's the lifestyle I have chosen. But when I'm not getting ready for a bodybuilding show... I feel like there is no reason I need to deprive myself of things like a sandwich or fruit. I also don't want to gain 8 pounds every time I go on an extended vacation and enjoy some (non-tracked) food.
5. How will I be different after achieving these goals?
I will be different by being a more balance person. Inside and out. I will no longer be all or nothing. Super lean or super fluffy. I will be able to have a healthy relationship with food. I will be able to maintain a healthy and happy body. And all of that means I will have less mental breakdowns. Hopefully none of them!!!
6. What is the easiest thing I can do to move in the right direction?
I am currently moving in the right direction. I paused my diet coaching. I stopped depriving myself of foods that I know are healthy. I started eating a little more intuitively. While keeping my calories within a good range for me... And making sure my protein is high. The easiest thing (well not that easy) is for me to relax around food. Stop putting it on a pedestal. It is just food. And I'm not going to lose it forever if I don't eat ALL OF IT RIGHT NOW. It will be there tomorrow or next week. I am focusing on food being fuel for me to perform at my best in the gym and in life.
7. What might be holding me back? What might I be able to do about it?
My negative self-talk and thoughts are holding me back. Not quite as much now that I have been focusing on more positive things... But I still have my sad moments. But I have been talking to Tony about things. I have been blogging and journalling about it all.. And I will be starting with a therapist soon to work through these thoughts and feelings.