10/22/20
Happy Thursday, Everyone.
I know I haven't blogged in quite some time. But hey! You've got to be used to that by now! It has kind of been a trend of mine lately (pretty much since I stopped working at the car dealership).
My life has been changing so much!!! Especially within the last year or so.
【Ｈｏｗ ｈａｓ ｉｔ ｃｈａｎｇｅｄ？】
Last year I was struggling a lot with disordered eating and body image "issues."
Last year I felt lost in who I am and what I want to do in and with my life.
The old me was very insecure and when she looked in the mirror she saw a failure.
The old me was doing things to please others, not for herself & her own life.
I used to think that there was something wrong with me... And that I had all these "issues" that needed to be "fixed." Almost like I was broken.
I used to think that I didn't have anything to offer... To the people around me, and to this world.
Let's start there. Those are pretty big things!
Plus, my chest is already tight, and I feel a positive overwhelm with that list already.
I did a lot of work to create a healthier relationship with food! I stepped so far back from bodybuilding. Almost so far that I thought I didn't deserve the title of being an IFBB Pro. But what the heck does that even mean? Being an IFBB Pro doesn't define ME!
I ate what I wanted. Even if that meant eating 5+ cookies a day. Even if I felt guilty about it. I sat with that guilt. And really thought about why I feel guilty. I felt guilty because I thought of that kind of food as "bad." But I don't think there is such a thing as "bad food." Food is food. Yes, there is better quality food for sure. Like, I wouldn't recommend eating McDonald's very often... But hey.. It is still food. And I do think you can choose healthier options if you really needed to go there... I digress...
Competing in bodybuilding made me lose any type of awareness of my hunger/satiety signals. I ate when I was supposed to... Not sooner or later. I ate exactly what my coach told me. Nothing more, nothing less. It didn't matter how I felt. It didn't matter if I was hungry or full. It didn't matter if I felt super bloated after that meal... Or had the worst gas EVER!
I started to eat more things that I really wanted. For instance, steak/other red meat, fruit, granola, crackers, bread, cheese, & 𝕒𝕝𝕞𝕠𝕟𝕕 𝕞𝕚𝕝𝕜 𝕝𝕒𝕥𝕥𝕖𝕤. I also ate less of the things that were labeled as healthy.. But they caused me gut/digestion stress. And guess what?! I'm fine!!! I didn't become a fat cow!!! (no offense to the cows)
The less I stressed about what I ate, the less food-focused I became. I ate what I wanted, when I was hungry... And stopped eating when I was satisfied. And I started to look and feel better. And it was an added bonus that I lost some weight too!
𝐹𝑒𝑒𝓁𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓁𝑜𝓈𝓉... I don't think that is an uncommon feeling. I think a lot of people feel lost at different moments throughout life. Especially during the crazy time of 2020!
And this feeling will be different for everyone. And you may be lost in different areas of your life. Work, relationship, friendship, family, gym, health, and self...
Last year... I didn't know who I was or what my purpose was in this world. I was allowing so many external things to define me. And that created a very sad and lost Kaylie.
When I looked in the mirror... I honestly didn't like who/what I saw. It was like I didn't recognize myself. And I most definitely didn't see my potential... All I saw was all my shortcomings. I didn't see what I had. All I saw was what I didn't have... I'm sure a lot of you reading this probably think I'm crazy for thinking these things. And I totally agree with you! But at the very moment of these thoughts... I didn't see how silly I was being.
I didn't realize that I was allowing my thoughts and emotions to control me... And dictate how my day and life was.
*sigh*
Have I gotten over this bad habit? No. But I am at least aware of it.
Do I still allow my thoughts and emotions to control me? Yes... But I am working on allowing negative thoughts to pass... And I am accepting the negative emotions, sitting with them... And realizing that they are not bad. And they are not ME. They are just emotions. They do not make me a bad person. They make me human.
With that being said... Thoughts and emotions do not control my life. I refuse to let them hide all the good that surrounds me.
10/26/20
HAPPY MONDAY!!!
Okay... So I am back from Tampa. I had an amazing trip! Relaxing and spending time with my handsome hubby! ♡
Let's continue where we left off...
🅿🅴🅾🅿🅻🅴 🅿🅻🅴🅰🆂🅸🅽🅶..
The old me... Did EVERYTHING for everyone else! Even if they didn't deserve it. That's just who I was. And it's not that I don't want to do for others.. That is a huge part of who I am... But I CANNOT FORGET ABOUT MYSELF!!!
10/29/20
Okay.. My goal is to finish this damn blog BEFORE Halloween! LOL.
Is it just me.. Or do things feel a little chaotic when you get back from vacation?
Where were we? PEOPLE PLEASING!
Wanting to make others happy isn't a bad thing at all. But you also have to make yourself happy. *note to self & to whoever needs to hear that*
I honestly never really took the time to REALLY think about what makes me happy. And what I want/need in life & in love. I am so lucky to have a man in my life who pointed this out to me.
When Tony first pointed this out to me... I thought something was wrong with me (which will lead into the next topic nicely). But he was doing it out of love. For me & for our relationship. I just wasn't in a place to see that at the moment. But I am now! ッ
But when he first brought this up to me... I had said that I was going to work on myself.. And find myself.. And figure out what I want and need. Did I??? NO! I was still doing it all for someone else. Not for me!!!
*And I should say that this was my own doing! Tony didn't have anything to do with my own thoughts and intentions.* He was just trying to help me become MY OWN PERSON!
So... Where am I at with all this?
I am still very much a people pleaser. But at least I am aware of it now. And I am also very mindful of MYSELF!!! I pause, and take a moment before I do or say anything.. & really think about what my motive is.
My mom says I am overthinking or overanalyzing everything.. But that's okay. It is going to take me to be a bit over the top with all this for me to really learn & create better/healthier habits.
Something I am starting to think about throughout my day is...
Is this thought or action helping me become the best version of myself? The ultimate woman that I want to be? Is this thought or action benefiting me or adding value? Or is it hurting me?
When a negative thought or story comes to mind... And my anxiety elevates... I ask myself one or all of those questions... And if it isn't a positive thing... Then I change it for the better and sometimes say aloud that "I let go of this thought" or "I am letting this thought pass by."
I know a lot of this sounds "woo woo," but this is the kind of stuff that works for me.
Here's an intense question... ᗩᗰ I ᗷᖇOKEᑎ?
The answer is NOOOOOO!
I am NOT broken! & neither are you!
Are there things I can improve on? YES!
Are there bad habits that I need to stop/let go of? YES!
Do I make mistakes? YES!
Do I go back to bad habits sometimes? YES!
Do I let my emotions get the best of me sometimes? YES!
I feel like I can go on & on with questions... But when it all comes down to it... I AM HUMAN! & I wake up each and every day with the intention to do my very best to improve and become a better me!
10/30/20
Okay... So I was going to start writing more today.. But then I decided to edit my blog and fix all the grammar errors... And it is a good thing I did because for some reason my computer decided to jumble up my entire blog. There were paragraphs that were duplicated in random spots... Ugh! I hope I fixed it and I hope the blog still makes sense! Just wanted to let you know, just in case you have actually read this far & are all confused. That is why!
Let's continue...
𝕎𝕙𝕒𝕥 𝕕𝕠 𝕀 𝕓𝕣𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕥𝕠 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕥𝕒𝕓𝕝𝕖? *you should ask yourself this question as well*
I mentioned above that I didn't think I had anything to offer. I thought that I owed so much to the people around me. & that I didn't add any value to their lives. And that I was just taking up space in the world... & not doing my part or making an impact.
WHY DO I THINK THESE AWFUL THINGS?
Who knows! I'm just glad that I am aware of it now... & am making changes to my mindset and self-talk.
11/1/20
Alright, you guys! I didn't finish before Halloween. But that's okay. I am almost done!!!
Why do I think such awful things about myself?!?!
What kind of person actually thinks that they have nothing to offer?!?!
Well... Apparently ME!
And that is so sad! It kind of breaks my heart to be writing this out. But I am also very proud of myself to be digging deeper into myself and how I can improve going forward.
It is hard to pinpoint my shortcomings. It is hard to not beat myself up for my shortcomings. But if I were to do that... I would only be worse off. No pity parties here!!!
𝕊𝕠 𝕨𝕙𝕒𝕥 𝕕𝕠 𝕀 𝕙𝕒𝕧𝕖 𝕥𝕠 𝕠𝕗𝕗𝕖𝕣? 𝕎𝕙𝕒𝕥 𝕕𝕠 𝕀 𝕓𝕣𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕥𝕠 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕥𝕒𝕓𝕝𝕖?
I was listening to a podcast about personality types. And it talked about how we tend to focus so much on our weaknesses... Which I don't think is completely bad. I mean... Why wouldn't you want to make your weaknesses stronger (in the gym & in life)? But we (at least I do) tend to forget about our strengths!
So right here & now... I am going to figure out what my strengths are! And going forward... I am going to embrace my strengths! I am going to be proud of myself for what I have accomplished and what I continue to accomplish day in and day out. Obviously... Along with that... I will be working hard to improve on my not-so-strong attributes as well!
🅂🅃🅁🄴🄽🄶🅃🄷🅂:
I am extremely loving and caring. This is generally the first thing that comes to mind because I tend to care so deeply for the people around me. It can also be a not so great thing if I don't stick up for myself when needed. But I think for the most part... It is a strength. I enjoy helping others and making people smile.
I am very hardworking. I was totally about to say that I can always work harder... But I feel like I am not doing this whole "find my strengths" exercise right! LOL. Let's keep things positive! This is not the time to critique myself. HARDWORKING! ME! YES!!! I do what I have to do, to accomplish what I want to accomplish! I started waking up at 4am soon after Tony and I moved to Oregon so I could get cooking and cardio done before he woke up. We will leave it at that example. If you know me... You know what all I do. & I know what all I do in a day!
*With that being said... There are some moments of distraction in each day... So that is something I am constantly working on improving!* (haha... I just couldn't help but critique myself a little!
3. I am organized. I like to keep things neat and tidy. I like it when things have their home. It is easier to find things... Especially when you own multiple businesses... And other people are in and out of your sh*t. I like to label things. And I really like filing boxes. LOL. This is a funny strength (in my opinion) but I do think it is important.
4. I am reliable. I will do all I can to help. I will show up when I say I will. I will get that favor done. If you need something done by a specific deadline, just make sure you tell me!
5. I continue to learn and improve. And will do my best to help the people around me to do the same. This is a newer one for me! But I don't want to leave it out!
6. I am a good housewife. LOL. Not sure if I want to word it that way. But I feel like it is the easiest way to explain what I mean. I cook, I clean, I do the shopping, I do the laundry, I run the errands, I make sure my partner is loved, and so on. And I still work on/in my businesses! (humble brag!)
7. I am silly. I am writing this down as one of my strengths because I think it is very important to be in touch with the kid in you. Life is so short. There are so many moments where you have to be serious and get work done. I just don't think we need to be serious all the time! We have to be able to let loose and have a good time (in my opinion).
8. I am genuine. What you see is what you get. I may start off a little shy if I don't really know you... Or if you meet me in a place that is outside of my comfort zone... But I will always be myself.
9. I am loyal. Haha. That makes me sound like I'm a doggie or something. But I wouldn't mind being a doggie. I will stand by my friends, family, and partner. With that being said... I will also be honest if I feel like you are out of line.
*I don't really stick up for myself (which is something I am working one).. But I have ALWAYS stuck up for my loved ones! Even when I was little! I am most definitely NOT a fighter.. But I will fight for my family if I need to!*
10. So I like the way it looks to end on 10... So I am putting two things here. I am resilient and persistent! Resilient: able to recoil or spring back into shape after bending. Persistent: Continuing in a course of action in spite of difficulty. Meaning... I will get back up after "falling," and I will NOT give up. I will give it my all before moving on. This can also be a fault... But so can everything if you choose to make it that way. So let's keep things on the positive side ッ
Alright, you guys! That's a wrap!
I really hope my computer didn't jumble up my words. If it did... I'm sorry.
& here is a quote for you! It is a nice reminder to remember who you are & what you offer!!! Never settle! And remember you are in control of your life!!!
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