Happy Thursday, Everyone! It is December 5, 2019!
(If you read my blogs... You know what's coming)... I CANNOT BELIEVE IT'S DECEMBER! LOL.
It is almost 2020!!! Crazy!!!
Anyways... *sigh*
I'm not really sure how to start talking about this topic... Other than just getting right to it.
BODY IMAGE "ISSUES"
I put issues in quotations because I don't really like the word. It seems so harsh to my sensitive little eyes, eyes, and heart. But if I'm being honest.. I do think that it is a good word to describe what I have been going through. You can also use the word struggles, or challenges. I have also used the work journey quite a lot... When it comes to talking about my body image issues or disordered eating.
LOL. It is now Saturday. 12/7/19
Lets get to it...
bod·y im·age
noun
The subjective picture or mental image of one's own body.
Body image is a person's perception of the aesthetics or sexual attractiveness of their own body. It involves how a person sees themselves, compared to the standards that have been set by society.
I never thought I had body image issues... But I was definitely in denial.
Ever since I was old enough to notice my body... And that I looked different than other girls... I had body image issues. I know that is quite sad to think about, because I know I was really young. I want to say 4th or 5th grade... And then for sure when I got into middle school.
I remember looking about my cousin's body (not in a creepy way) and thinking to myself... I don't look like that. I have bigger legs, and bigger booty... I'm shorter than her. My hair is puffy and frizzy. The list goes on. I was so judgmental of myself and the way I looked. I still am at times.
This insecure thoughts got worse before they got better. In middle school, I wanted nothing more than to fit in with the cool kids. I wanted to wear the cute clothes and do my hair just right... I was never able to accomplish that. LOL. I'm just a little weird-o (in a good way, although I didn't think that when I was younger)
In high school... I still wanted to be liked. Mainly by the boys at this point... There was even I time where I had lost so much weight that my dad told me that if I didn't stop doing whatever I was doing... He was going to take me to the hospital. I guess I was getting so thin that my face was getting that sucked in look (and I wasn't doing any bodybuilding shows yet).
When I got out of high school I started going to the gym. This is when things started to turn around. I was feeling more confident in myself (the way I looked and what I was capable of). Some may say a little too confident... I was always in the gym in the smallest shorts and sports bra. I called it naked motivation. LOL. Don't judge me.
Then I started competing in bodybuilding. At first, everything was great. I just enjoyed the challenge of the prep... And then I went back to "normal" after the show. I gained all my weight back... And didn't care. I honestly never even really paid attention to the scale. Only weighed myself to let me coach know where I was at.
But the more I competed. The more popular social media became... The more I started to compare myself to others. I almost NEVER thought I looked good enough. I always thought other girls looked better than me. All of this made for a very insecure, and desperate, Kaylie. Not very proud of those times.
And then, when I earned my pro card... I rebounded SO BAD!!! Gained 40lbs in 4 weeks. I thought I was insecure before... Oh wow!!! Now I almost hated myself. I was so upset that I let myself fall off the wagon like that. I literally felt like I had lost all control of myself, inside and out.
And writing all this out really makes me think... Why the hell did I care so much? Why did I allow my body to define who I am?!!! My body is not ME!!! And your body is NOT YOU!!!! Who I am (& who you are) is so much deeper than the outside appearance.
I mean... Don't get me wrong... Definitely take care of your body. But don't allow it to define you as a person! (note to self & everyone else who needs it)
Lets fast forward a bit...
This year... 2019.
I am 27 years old. I have competed on the pro stage 4 times. Some people may not know what that means. And you don't have to... But as an athlete in that sport... That's a pretty big accomplishment. Just earning your pro card is HUGE!
I digress.... After my shows in 2018... I decided that I really needed to grow if I wanted to actually be competitive on the pro stage. I was about 40 pounds smaller than the winner of my last show. These girls are crazy!!! So Tony took over my nutrition... And helped me reverse diet out of my show. We slowly increased my food... And slowly gained weight. It was the perfect reverse diet. And I was getting so strong! It was amazing! But there eventually came a breaking point! I didn't want to diet anymore!!! But with that breaking point and decision to not diet anymore... I kind of lost my shit. And started to EEEAAATTTT! And of course that lead to more weight gain.
Long story, not quite as long, hopefully... I was eating and gaining weight... And I wasn't happy. But if I tried to diet or restrict myself in any way... It was almost like it made it worse. I was a very sad person who didn't know what I wanted to do. I just knew that I didn't want to look the way I was looking.
Again... I'm not sure why I identified with my body image so much...
This very dark time (for me) lasted for a couple months. I didn't want to go to the gym. I made myself go in and train... But a lot of the time I would find myself randomly crying after a set. I would check my training video and be disgusted with how I looked.
I know all this is extreme.. And I'm sure a lot of you think I'm crazy for thinking these things... But I'm just sharing with you what was going on in my head.
...continuing on 12/8/19...
There finally came a point where Tony told me I should probably talk to someone. He had reached out to a therapist that works with athletes... And so I gave that a try.
I did just a few session with her via Skype. I did think it helped to talk to someone who didn't know me personally. She was able to ask me different questions. And have a non-bias opinion/suggestion on my answers. However, I did stop doing therapy. Mainly because of time and money. Although Tony said that if I thought it was really helping me... Then to make sure I am making the time for it.
I do think it helped me... But I also think that I was starting to feel better on my own.
Why did I start to feel better? How did I do it? How did I get out of my "slump?"
I think I started to feel better because I was thinking about things a little differently. And I was talking to someone about how I was feeling... That someone being my therapist at the time and Tony.
HOW? I think this was somewhat unexpected... I think the thing that really helped me get out of this slump was the fact that my baking business was picking up so much. I just didn't have the time to focus on myself (this was good and bad). Bad... Because there were days that I didn't eat or drink really anything... Which then meant that I couldn't train because I knew that it wouldn't be a good workout. And normally that wouldn't be that big of a deal... But I was getting ready for a powerlifting meet. So I for sure had to make sure that I wasn't neglecting myself. GOOD... Because I was no longer focused on my weight or the way I looked. I had more important things going on in my life. I had a bigger purpose! And my job no longer benefitted from me looking a certain way. I hope all that made sense :)
So now you know my story... And it's not over. I don't think it ever will be. Which can suck... But I'm not going to think of it like that. I think just about everyone deals with body image issues here and there.
My new favorite mantra is... Without the bad... There is no good. Without the dark... There wouldn't be light. I don't think that's an actual quote anywhere... It's just a saying I like to tell myself.
There is always room for improvement; and that's in all aspects of life. Work, training, relationships, and our bodies. You should love all parts of your journey! And you should love your body, inside and out.
That doesn't mean you just remain where you're at... You can love and accept where you're at in life, while still working hard to improve and become better! The same goes for your body. Love and embrace all your imperfections... And still work hard to become a better YOU!
No more comparing yourself to others. You are YOU. They are them!!! You have your own special purpose in this world. Also... You are not your body!!! Just because you don't look the way you want RIGHT NOW... Doesn't mean you can't (assuming your goal being realistic of course). Just because you don't look like the skinny girl at the gym who can probably eat whatever she wants... Doesn't mean that you are less of a person than her. Technically you are more!!! LOL. (sorry, I had to)
You will have good days where you are genuinely loving yourself! Rock the shit out of those days!!! And be mindful of how you carry yourself. Think about why you feel so good on this day. And when those not so good days come around... When you at totally judging yourself... Also be mindful of how you carry yourself. How are you walking around? Are you smiling? What are you thinking about? Most of those answers on the not so good day will probably be pretty negative. CHANGE THAT SHIT! You are in control!
Something I started to do is literally thanking my body! I know it sounds weird... But seriously! My body does amazing things!!! And so does yours! I will thank my big legs and booty for filling my pants so nicely. For helping me squat and deadlift more weight. If you're a mom and you're not so happy with the way your stomach looks... Take a moment to appreciate your stomach... It carried your baby in there!!!
*I got this idea from Rachel Hollis
Another thing that I find really helps me on my not so good body image days. I will carry myself the way I do on my GOOD DAYS. I will walk a little taller. Sometimes I will actually be strutting my stuff through the gym or grocery store. I know it is silly. But hey! It helps me. And it can also make you giggle a little. :)
Love your body! Fuel it with good food... And some yummy treats here and there. Move it around! That's what it's made for!!! And move in the way you like. If you don't want to lift weights... Then don't! Go dancing or something!
Oh! Before I end this blog... Another thing I've been trying to do more of... Dress in outfits where I feel confident in. I've been doing my hair a little different. Filling in my eye brows (for some reason that makes me feel extra pretty, HA). And then I will wear my favorite gym clothes. I feel like I look good. So then it is a good day.
Well.. Before I continue to ramble on about more random, silly things I do... I'm going to end it here.
I hope this helped you a little. And please... DO NOT HESITATE to reach out if you have any questions. Or if you want to share your story with me. I'D LOVE THAT! I would also love to hear any tips and tricks you might have that has helped you when you are have a bad body image day.
Love you forever if you read this!!!
This is a really personal one for me!!!