My Emotional Attachment with Food

Ever since I was a little girl, I was told to eat everything that was put on my plate. Of course, that the last thing I wanted to hear when my plate was full of nasty vegetables that no little kids find tasty. But, I did what I was told, and I always cleared my plate. I eventually found it to be an accomplishment to be able to finish all of my food. I remember going to McDonald’s with my Nana and wanting a Big Mac just like her. After eating the entire burger, I couldn’t be happier with myself.

That brings me to happiness. Happiness is another reason I would eat. It’s my birthday and I want to go out to my favorite restaurant. I got a good report card; I want to go out for ice cream. Food is used as a reward. When little kids are good in the store their parents treat them with a candy bar at check out.

Food is comforting. We see it as a reward, a prize, something that always makes us happy. So when we are sad, what do we want? Something that we know is going to turn our frown upside down. FOOD!

When I got into high school I started to notice how food can affect one’s body; and being a flyer on the cheerleading squad, I was not a fan of it. I started to be a little more aware of what I was putting into my body. I stopped drinking soda my freshman year in high school. I would also be the one at the lunch table eating a salad over a slice of pizza. But I was far from perfect. I was only in high school, so I still had to eat what was provided to me. My family and I ate out a lot. We also really loved sweets and junk food. This was when I started to get more into fitness. I had always liked to exercise, but now I was purposely working out because I didn’t want to get fat. This fear of mine was definitely a crazy one. It had my eating habits all out of whack. I remember at one point, I would almost starve myself. If I got hungry enough I would allow myself to eat dry cereal and drink water.

My relationship with food has never been healthy. I was afraid of getting fat, but didn’t know how to avoid it in a healthy way. My first semester in college, I took a health class. It was one of my favorite classes. It was then I learned how to fuel my body with proper food; and things began to change.

I started to meal prep. I was now eating every few hours. I was also getting in all of the right macronutrients (carbs, protein, and fats). I had never felt so good. Who knew you had to eat MORE in order to get the body you want? My mind was blown! I had finally learned how to use food as fuel, instead of seeing it as an enemy. That didn’t last too long, though.

When I started to prep and compete in Figure shows the way I looked at food changed. I would deprive myself during prep. Creating the worst cravings; and after my shows I would eat everything in sight. I became a binger. At this point in my journey, I think my emotional attachment with food is at its worst.

Each show that I do, the better, and leaner I get, the more issues I have with food. Don’t get me wrong, I love to compete, and I don’t plan on stopping. I just have to recreate a better relationship with food, which I am in the process of doing.

I am working on viewing food as fuel. I am using food to give me energy throughout the day and give me strength for my workouts. Food also helps me recover from my workouts. Food can make you look and feel great if you utilize it properly, which I am slowly, but surely relearning thanks to Tony Montgomery (my love) and Jason Theobald (my coach).

In the end, I wanted to share my struggle with food. People see my pictures and videos on social media and don’t know what happens behind the scenes. I am only human. My health and fitness journey has been far from perfect and easy. I have worked my butt off in the kitchen and in the gym; and I will continue to work even harder.