Body Image: Learning to Love Yourself

Look at yourself in the mirror. What do you see? What do you think about what you see?

This blog is going to be about my journey to learning how to love myself.

Let’s start at the beginning…

July 25th, 2015

I earned my pro card. It was one of the happiest days of my life. I never thought I would ever become a PRO at something. But I worked hard, and it all paid off! I was on top of the world. And I was so happy that my family was there to cheer me on. All this glory did not last long though…

I was back home from my show. I threw my work clothes on and rushed into work to check in with my manager, and show off my trophy. Right then and there, I already didn’t feel right. Sure I was a little bloated from indulging over the weekend, but this was something different. I felt very self-conscious.

The next day I was back to working out. Everyone was there congratulating me on my accomplishment. But why was it that all I could think about was how awful I felt and looked?

My body didn’t feel right. I didn’t have the motivation to do, really anything. I wanted to just lay in bed all day. And I couldn’t control myself around food. I tried to eat healthy, and get back on a set regiment, but it just wasn’t happening. I would just eat, and eat, and then eat some more. Then I would feel guilty for over eating, but my friends, family, and coworkers would tell me that I need to relax.. “You deserve it.”

WHAT DID I DESERVE?

I deserved to over eat.. Binge eat.. Eat until I was in physical pain..? And then I deserved to starve myself the next day because I felt guilty..?

All of this was an on going, vicious cycle.

I was at my worst, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I felt lost. I didn’t know what to do. How to fix it? I didn’t know who I was.

I hated looking at myself. I was discussed with what I did to myself. There were even times that I would cry.

I know that all this is very depressing.. But I promise.. It does get

better.

August 23rd, 2015

I interviewed with Tony Montgomery. I was so nervous. I was being interviewed because I was a Pro.. But yet, I didn’t feel like one. By the end of the interview, I felt like a brand new person. Between the interview Q & A, somehow Tony was able to remind me why I started along this journey. I left the interview ready to get back to enjoying health and fitness.

This step forward was huge. I seriously cannot thank Tony enough!

I slowly started to have better control over my eating. I was able to actually stick to the meals that I prepped. I was also able to have good workouts again. This was when I started to get into powerlifting. I would go to CSA with Tony a couple times a week.

Getting into powerlifting helped me tremendously. It gave me something else to focus on. Instead of always worrying about my weight or how I looked; I just focused on lifting and getting stronger. But of course, it wasn’t quite that easy to just brush off my lack of self compassion and body image struggles.

There would be times I would catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror.. And I just didn’t like what I saw. Or I would try to dress up, in clothes that weren’t gym attire.. And I just didn’t look right (in my eyes). There were also times that I would “cheat” on my “diet.” BUT HEY! I was starting all over.. I couldn’t expect to be the epitome of perfection right away. But I did expect that, which made things just that much harder.

Note to anyone who is trying to get started or get back on track: You have to take it one day at a time. And you have to accept the fact that you are not going to be perfect. Strive for progress! That will get you much further in your journey, and in your life.

December 9th, 2015

I hired Jason Theobald. I was ready to get back on track with things. I knew what I needed to do, and for the most part how to do it.. But I needed accountability. Check out my YouTube video on why I have a coach.

Starting off with Jason I had to do two weeks of being 100% on the program. This wasn’t too bad.. But definitely different from what I had been used to. It was also challenging because it was right around christmas. I DID IT THOUGH!

After those first two weeks Jason and I worked on increasing my caloric intake. My calories were just too low to be able to perform at an optimal level and to diet down for a show in the future.

And of course, this was fun! I mean who doesn’t want to eat more food. I was smart about it.. I ate clean food, and I mixed it up. I ate the things that I wanted. For instance, apples! Most bodybuilders do not eat fruit.. So this was nice :)

It was also nice that I started to lose some weight. EVEN WITH EATING MORE!

Can you guess what happened next?

I still wasn’t happy with where I was at. Sure, I was happier. I was eating more food. My body tightened up. I was also performing better in the gym. But I wanted to lose some more weight.

Jason, being the amazing coach that he is, listened to me. He started to slowly back down the calories; while keeping my strength goals in mind.

During this cutting phase.. I moved to Portland, Oregon, and started preparing for a powerlifting meet. I was so lucky to have Tony and Jason helping me along the way.

I had a couple melt downs. But I got through them! Tony was there for me emotionally. He also helped me in the gym, and kept me positive, and made sure I was having fun. Jason was there for me mentally. He gave me a few pep talks here and there. He also tweaked my macros along the way to make sure I was getting stronger as well as losing weight. These two guys are miracle workers!

You have to surround yourself with good people! People who support you and your goals. People who add value to your life. And make sure you do the same for them.

April 16th, 2016

I weighed in for my very first powerlifting meet. And what did I weigh? 122.8! WHAT? This was my goal. I wanted to be in the low 120s. And I was there!

After my meet I did put on some weight, but I was able to get back on track with everything and maintain that weight.

Until….

I started to go a little crazy with me cheat meals. I was having a really hard time sticking to the plan.. So Tony and I added in a cheat meal once a week. But that once a week turned into a weekend thing.

OH NO! Was it all starting up again?!

This time around, I was in a better place physically. But mentally and emotionally I was struggling. Silly little me would cry when I wanted to eat something I knew I shouldn’t. Then I would eat it, and it would mess with me mentally. I would want to cut my calories the next day. Or do extra cardio. Ugh! All of this was becoming really annoying!

Tony to the rescue!

He reminded me that I am not in contest prep. And that it is okay to be a little more flexible/lenient with your eating as long as you are still making progress.

My eating still was out of whack… I kept over doing it with my cheat meals. So I decided to cut them out, well.. Not have them as often. I am now only going to have a TREAT MEAL once every three weeks. Which works out because I just started meet prep.

August 6th, 2016

I am six weeks out from my next powerlifting meet.

Where am I at physically, mentally, and emotionally?

Physically, I feel really good! I am eating a good amount of food. Doing very little cardio. I can see my abs. My legs look the best they have ever looked in an off season. I am very proud of where I am at.

Mentally, I am doing better. I still tend to overthink things.. But I am becoming more aware of when I do that. I do my best to start every day with a positive mindset, and if I don’t have a positive mindset.. I make sure to change that. I change it with positive self talk.

Emotionally, I am still working on… I stress out over things that are out of my control, which cause me to get very emotional. I am working on accepting what is, and just do what I have to do and move forward.

To sum it all up, this has been a year long journey, and it’s not over yet. I started hated myself and feeling lost with life. Now I accept where I am at, and am loving the process to becoming the best version of myself!

Each and every day I make sure to treat myself with kindness. I feed myself good food, I get my workouts in, and I say nice things (sometimes even out loud.. LOL).

Not every day is a great day though. Sometimes I wake up in bad mood, or think that I should look better. On these days I make sure to do even more. I will do the things I mentioned above. I will also read articles, watch videos, and listen to podcasts. Oh, and journal!

I will write down how I feel. And try to figure out why I feel that way, and what I can do to change that. Journalling helps clear the mind and allows one to move on with your day.

Okay.. Lets wrap this up!

I am happy with where I am at. Yes, I still have work to do, but that’s okay. There is always room for improvement. But now I will make sure that I love myself while I improve.

Thank you for reading!

If you, or anyone you know, is struggling with something similar do not hesitate to email me with questions, comments or concerns. I am here to help and/or listen.